Theo Epstein isn’t doing what I want him to do and must be fired

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No, not really.  The inimitable And Counting from Obstructed View had a fun little article earlier suggesting that the new Cubs front office was incompetent for not making certain transactions that were “obvious” or at least more fan-friendly.  Naturally I’m a bit late to the party, but I thought it might be fun to pretend we just fired Theo Epstein and all of his minions because he didn’t win the World Series in October.  Never mind the part where he wasn’t actually employed by the Cubs or the part where the Cubs didn’t actually make the playoffs, we’re a results-oriented fan base, dammit!

Why didn’t you ____???

  1. Sign Albert Pujols
  2. Sign Prince Fielder
  3. Bid on Yu Darvish
  4. Sign CJ Wilson
  5. Sign (insert free agent du jour here)
  6. Hire Ryne Sandberg
  7. Hire Mike Maddux
  8. Hire Greg Maddux
  9. Fire Crane Kenney
  10. Wash my car
  11. Trade for (insert untouchable player from another team here)
  12. Dump (insert hated Cubs player here)


  1. What’s with trading Sean Marshall?  He’s a spry almost-30-year-old reliever who will probably help the Cubs win games should they find a way to have a lead in the 8th inning!
  2. Why did we trade Tyler Colvin?  He may strike out most of the time but when he gets contact and it’s not a weak grounder/flyout he’s very productive!
  3. Why are we trying to trade Matt Garza?  He’s an awesome pitcher who is going to get really expensive picking up sweet stats while the rest of the team continues to suck!
  4. What’s with this rebuilding crap?  We’re a big market, the billionaire owner who made his money by investing wisely should just keep blowing huge wads of money so that the team can half-ass contend while the farm system sits in ruins!  Spend spend spend!  It’s the American way!  We don’t have that many holes to fill anyway:
  • 1B
  • 2B
  • 3B
  • LF
  • RF (David DeJesus is nice but he doesn’t count in the long run)
  • A bunch of pitchers
  • A new farm system

Prospects are worthless

Why are we trying to get draft picks and trading for youth and prospects when they’re totally unproven?!  We should just forget about cultivating our own prospects and drafting wisely and wait for other organizations to toss their proven talent away so we can overpay for them later.  Why bother when other teams are doing the hard work for us?  I mean, what prospects have ever panned out anyway?  Look at Evan Longoria, David Price, Derek Jeter, Joey Votto, Albert Pujols, Tim Lincecum, Clayton Kershaw, Chase Utley, Ian Kinsler, and a bunch of other guys who were former prospects.  What have they done for their teams?

You’re fired!

Sorry Theo, but you’ve had only two months or so to bring us a World Series yesterday, and you haven’t done it.  You and your team of geniuses should’ve been able to patch up this disaster of a team over a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  You should have pumped in another $100 million to sign every free agent known to man to fill up all the holes in the lineup and rotation.  Instead you’ve done nothing to improve the major league roster, and we don’t really care that you’re improving scouting, player development and infrastructure.  How are we supposed to win the World Series in 2012?!  You bastard!!!

Ah, now I feel better.

About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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