‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (A New Hope Version)

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, here at Wrigley Field
The McDonald’s close by sold their last Happy Meal
The Marquee was shining in the cold night air
Ten-sixty West Addison’s sidewalks were bare.

The Wrigleyville rooftops shut down for winter
The Cubbie Bear was closing so no more dinner
The big tree outside glistened in the moonlight
Even Ronnie Woo-Woo stopped “woo”-ing for the night.

Every fan in Chicago was fast asleep
Waiting for Santa, snoring in a slumber deep
Away to dream land with their Christmas-y wish
Except for Theo and Jed, because they were Jewish.

‘Twas the fifth night of Hanukkah as you might know
They’d opened their gifts with their families and so
It was back to work down at Wrigleyville, where
They’d plot some new plots like how to sign Prince Fielder.

Bring some good cheer!

With their spreadsheets a-buzzing, their minds lightning quick
Checking who could be traded and who would stick
Surrounded by readouts and box scores of games
They pored over scouting reports discussing each name:

“Matt Garza! Dave Sappelt!
Now, how ’bout that Cuban?
There’s Rizzo and that kid
Who hits unlike humans
What is his O-B-P?
He play defense at all?
Now cross him off, unless he’s
Good at baseball!”

As the night dragged further and wild ideas flew
When they met with an obstacle they just pushed through
Out with the old ways, usher in the new
With plans from the new boys in charge of Cubbie blue.

They kept right on texting the other GMs
Each tiny move a small victory for them
As they fought tooth and nail to turn the team around
And finally get this franchise off the ground.

They assessed every debt, from up top to down low
There was no telling just how far they would go
To build up the farm and develop those kids
And finally get consistent postseason bids.

They’ll start by fixing the defense and the pitching
Maybe they’ll end all the decades of fan bitching
Instead of throwing money at the problem
They might instead use their wits and brains to solve them
They’ll shore up the scouting and strike in the draft
And although their plan may appear to be quite daft
They do have to start with a new philosophy
Or the drought may continue long past one-oh-three.

The plan most clandestine was put into action
As Crane Kenney and staff prepped the Cubs Convention
A flip of a prospect, non-tender Koyie Hill
A reclamation project to fit the bill.

They kept crunching numbers and kept at their work
This was one responsibility that wouldn’t be shirked
It’d take a few seasons even with the right minds
But soon they’ll leave the rest of the Central behind.

Here's to Cubs baseball!

Theo and Jed closed their books and got ready to drive
Home as Hanukkah Day Six would arrive.
They passed Woo-Woo on Clark and as Woo-Woo cheered,

“Merry Christmas to you, and here’s to next year!”

About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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