I mostly wrote this because I wanted to test out a few things in the comments section (which you guys should register for our site and use, by the way) but also because Bud Selig’s derp face is unusually funny to me. Anyway, poor Bud is a busy man, what with his teaching schedule, overseeing baseball, and having to deal with a bunch of random crap thrown at him by individual teams. So let’s take a glance into what Bud is thinking right now…
Scene: Bud Selig’s office, somewhere inside the MLB HQ
Secretary: Mr. Selig, we have a couple more cases for you to review…the first is the issue of compensation for Theo Epstein’s hire in Chicago, and you also have to approve the A.J. Burnett trade to Pittsburgh.
Secretary: I said…
Bud: Nah, I’m messing with you. Put them in with the other piles of crap I need to do. I’ll get to it next week.
Secretary: Mr. Selig, I think the Yankees want this trade approved and done with before the weekend is over so they can prepare for spring training. And the Cubs and Red Sox have been waiting five months to get their situation resolved as well. I don’t think you can wait on this.
Bud: Sure I can. I’m the commissioner.
Bud: Yeah yeah…dammit, I hate having to earn my salary. Okay, so looks like the Cubs and Sawx sent me a couple briefs on what they think is “fair” compensation.
*Bud looks at Red Sox report, doubles over laughing*
Bud: They want Matt Garza? Still? After all those months? Larry Lucchino really is nuts. Hand me my rescue inhaler, I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard.
Secretary: I’ll get you a Gatorade.
Bud: Cool. Ah, I see the only reason I have to even look at this trade between the Yanks and Pirates is because of the “large amount” of money changing hands. I didn’t even know the Pirates had money.
Secretary: Yes, apparently revenue sharing is a very lucrative income source.
Bud: Might have to look at that in the next CBA. Alright, this Red Sox thing is really starting to piss me off. They really think that they deserve that much for an executive? I know Theo is awesome but this is just ridiculous.
Secretary: I don’t really follow baseball even though I work for you, but I’m inclined to agree with you, Mr. Selig.
Bud: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do because I don’t like getting pissed off. We’ll penalize the Yankees for wasting my time with this trade approval by sending their prospects to Boston. Then we’ll have the Cubs send Alfonso Soriano to Boston as compensation and the Pirates can pay half of Fonzie’s salary as penalty for sucking up revenue sharing funds and generally sucking. Done!
Secretary: Sir, I’m not sure that’s entirely fair…
Bud: Sure it is. I’ll make it fair. Now get this typed up and leave me alone, I have to write my memoirs and figure out how to cram an extra wild-card playoff game into the span of 36 hours.