Once upon a time, we did a Cubs story in pictures with Theo Epstein as Indiana Jones. It was well-received and actually a lot of fun to set up. The pictures do take a bit of time to manipulate, though, so these are few and far between. However, we found some time to set up another story, this time a spoof of “The Blues Brothers” which was a classic comedy based in Chicago for those of you who are pop culturally challenged.
As with all these stories, we do it for fun and not for profit etc. so as to not get our pants sued off. Also, there are various points at which we had to insert a known Chicago-based personality into the mix and it doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is a psycho hosebeast or a Nazi, they are just kind of there. Don’t overthink it too much (even the blasphemy) and enjoy.
It was October 2011. Theo had been in Fenway Penitentary for quite a while, but today was his release date as he had his service reduced for good behavior and something to do with fried chicken and beer. Before heading back into the world of the free, Theo picked up his personal items and flipped the warden the bird.
Jed waited in his new Cubsmobile outside Fenway. The iron gates opened and Theo stepped out. The two men looked at each other for a few moments in the post-dawn sunlight before embracing and heading to the car.
“Before we head to our new gig, we have to go visit the Benguin,” Jed said. The Benguin was the head of the orphanage where Jed and Theo grew up. Sister Cherington was not to be trifled with.
Theo was adamant that they should avoid the visit altogether, but Jed insisted and so they headed to Sister Cherington’s office. The nun explained that Wrigley Field was running out of good prospects and needed more talent before too long or else the ballpark would be foreclosed upon.
“Oh, sure, no problem, we’ll get your prospects! Let’s go, Jed.” Theo was about to get up when the Benguin exclaimed, “STOP! I will not take your stolen prospects, especially with the new collective bargaining agreement looming over us all!” The Benguin was also slightly miffed because Theo had saddled the orphanage with a broken Chris Carpenter and a bunch of expensive injured players.
After a few choice words and ruler-associated smackdowns, the Benguin ejected the brothers out of the office. “You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. But you chose the way of the Cub and now have to repair a franchise that has descended into the depths of baseball hell. Get out, and don’t come back until you’ve redeemed yourselves!” The Benguin moonwalked back into the office as the door slammed shut.
As the brothers collected themselves off the floor and brushed themselves off, Jed asked, “The Benguin’s right…how are we supposed to get all those prospects with the new CBA restrictions and no real assets?” Theo didn’t have an answer, so they decided to go to synagogue to seek for divine knowledge.
Before they left the orphanage, though, they bumped into Billy Williams, the legendary Cub who had sang to them with the sweet sounds hammered baseballs off his mighty bat when the brothers were younger. Billy implored the brothers to do their best to find a way to save Wrigley Field so that future generations of the Cubs family could be cared for.
The Cubsmobile stopped in front of a North Side synagogue and the brothers walked inside as the rabbi was in the middle of a sermon.
As they listened to the sermon, they continued to ponder how they would come up with enough prospects to generate enough talent to sustain Wrigley Field. Theo began to be energized by the rabbi’s sermon, and suddenly a bright light shone in through the window and focused on him. Theo was bathed in a divine glow of Cubbie blue. Jed turned and was shocked to see his brother aglow, and asked if he was okay. Just then, the rabbi turned to Theo and said, “Do you see the light?”
Theo stayed still for a moment, absorbing the Cubbie blue light, and then screamed, “Yes! YES!!! Sweet mother of Moses, I have SEEN THE LIGHT!!!!”
He turned to Jed and said, “The band, Jed! We’re gonna get the band back together!”
Jed was confused at first, and then he understood. “THE BAND!!!”
After a musical number and some animated dancing that I’m sure all Jewish congregations engage in during their worship services, the brothers left to formulate their plan to bring good baseball back to Wrigley Field. Unfortunately Jed ran a red light, and with a suspended license, he didn’t feel like getting arrested on the night before their mission from God, so a comically lengthy car chase complete with mindless destruction ensued. The Cubsmobile finally ditched the fuzz at the Lego Store in Woodfield Mall and burst out through the Cubs Clubhouse as the brothers made their escape back to Jed’s apartment.
After Jed parked the Cubsmobile, the brothers walked to the entryway of the dilapidated apartment building where Jed was staying. Unbeknownst to them, Marla Collins was across the street planning Theo’s demise. As the brothers slept, Marla set off a bomb that leveled the building. Barely feeling the impact, Jed picked himself out of the rubble, looked at his watch, and exclaimed, “Oh no! I’m late for work! Wake up, you lug!” He woke Theo and the duo set off to enact their plan.
“First, we have to trade for Anthony Rizzo. Then we have to get Dale Sveum to manage our gigs and Jason McLeod to scout. We should have enough to get the prospects we need before the city forecloses on Wrigley Field,” Theo said. Jed drove them into Oprah’s neighborhood to try to get some assistance from Chicago’s most generous woman, but there was only so much Oprah could do aside from lavishing the brothers with HDTV-display refrigerators and luxury automobiles. Oprah did tell them where they could find additional resources and also promised to buy some bleachers season tickets closer to the beginning of the season.
The brothers rounded up their merry band and headed to Ernie Banks’ music store where they swapped baseball stories with the legendary Cub and signed for a few extra I.O.U’s. They ran into trouble with the Chicago city council, led by the nefarious former Mayor Daley, who were trying to prevent the Cubs from getting additional funds from the city to renovate and improve Wrigley Field. Until the presidential elections were over, getting any help from the city was going to be a challenge.
In addition to the issues with the city and running from the police, the brothers and their band also inadvertently started a turf war with the Good Ol’ Boys, led by lead singer Bud Selig, who imposed their will and the new CBA on the Cubs. Selig in particular was against expanded replay review, still favored the stupid homefield advantage for the All-Star Game winner, and for some reason hated the Oakland Athletics because he wouldn’t actively assist their move to San Jose. Theo and Jed knew they couldn’t spend too much or the Good Ol’ Boys would take away their draft picks and then Wrigley Field would really be screwed (at least, the job would get more difficult).
Theo and Jed decided to put on a fundraiser show. They had issues getting to the curtain on time but did end up putting on a hell of a show, to the delight of a packed house and acquired all the prospects they would need to funnel a sustained stream of talent into Wrigley Field for years to come.
The cops and the Good Ol’ Boys showed up to the performance as well, so the brothers had to make their escape through the tunnels. Unfortunately, before they could make it safely to the Cubsmobile, Marla Collins showed up again.
Marla had an assault rifle and fired several rounds all around the tunnel and at the feet of the brothers as Theo and Jed hit the deck to avoid the stream of bullets.
“What the hell is up with this woman anyway?” Jed wondered.
Theo brushed himself off as he climbed to his feet and said, “How ya doin’, sweetheart?”
Marla reloaded her rifle with a fresh magazine and cocked the weapon. “You contemptible pig! I remained in centerfold form for you. I stayed under your mattress in the pages of Playboy for your visual pleasure at your whim. And you forgot about me and tossed me away like some fly-by-night hussy. So for me, for my 15 minutes of fame, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.”
Theo fell to his knees and begged for mercy, explaining that he never outgrew the inimitable Marla Collins. He removed his sunglasses and flashed his golden-boy eyes at her. Marla melted and lowered her weapon. “Oh, Theo…” as they kissed.
Suddenly, Theo dropped Marla Collins like he had with that Playboy issue so many years ago and said, “Let’s go, Jed.” Jed got up, and as a final farewell, told Marla to take it easy.
The brothers were able to escape from Marla Collins, the Good Ol’ Boys, the Chicago City Council and even the police, though the use of unnecessary violence in their apprehension had been authorized.
Theo and Jed ended up paying the bills just in time to save Wrigley Field. As their receipt was stamped, MLB’s enforcers surrounded them with weapons drawn and they were finally arrested, but not before assuring that Cubs baseball would be successful for the long term. Based on good behavior, they may be released from prison early and return to entertain us in a sequel.