CUB WARS: Episode Whatever — The Trade Deadline Strikes Back

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The last Cubs story in pictures was a lot of fun.  Someone suggested doing a Star Wars theme and that was so obvious that I’m surprised we haven’t actually went ahead and done it.  Given the looming trade deadline and the drama surrounding Ryan Dempster (we’ll deal with whether he’s a bastard or not later), that seems as good a spot as any to start.  Enjoy!

World Series Dreaming Pictures

Episode Random Roman Numerals: The Search For More Followers

(Wanna make your own crawl?  Click here.)

Our story opens in the year 2012, almost 67 years after the great Battle of Detroit.   The Jedi Cubs had been betrayed by the terrible Darth Billygoat, who had enshrouded the temple of Wrigley Field in Dark Side pestilence.  Herculean efforts by the Jedi Cubs Dal-Las Green and Qui-Jim Hendry helped the Jedi Cubs return to glory only to meet crushing defeat yet again at the hands of the Baseball Sith, who resurface at the most inopportune times.

BB-Marmol and Cubbie-D2. Not my best work.

To open negotiations, the Jedi Cubs sent their trusty droids, BB-Marmol and Cubbie-D2, to the planet Atlanta to discuss possible trades that would benefit both sides.  BB-Marmol bumbled around the planet’s strike zone but eventually got the job done.

The droids were on their way back to present the trade plans to the Jedi Cub council when their ship was attacked by an All-Star Destroyer.  The rebel vessel was caught in a tractor-beam and slowly pulled in by the larger ship.

A boarding party burst through the rebel vessel’s hull as wave after wave of Bleacher Bum Troopers rushed into the charred opening and dispatched the outgunned rebel fighters.  As the rebels retreated, a dark, menacing figure stepped into the rebel vessel, with mechanical breathing that sounded like a really bad impression of Harry Caray.

This does not actually mean we think he’s evil or something, but it was too obvious to pass up.

It was Darth Dempster.  The Dark Lord of the Baseball Sith had intercepted the droids’ communiques to the Jedi Cubs Council and knew that any trades they would make would be detrimental to the Sith plans.  Darth Dempster had the Bleacher Bum Troopers ransack the rebel ship for the trade plans, but the droids escaped just in time.

Falling to the planet’s surface in an escape pod, BB-Marmol and Cubbie-D2 eventually met up with some friendly folks and made their way to Mos Wrigley Spaceport, a festering hive of scum and futility.  They milled about until they encountered Han Soto, who had just dispatched Doobie, a bounty hunter who reeked of something herbal that caused Cubbie-D2’s munchies detector to go off the charts.

Oh come on, you know I had to do it.

“What can I do for you gents?” said Soto, as he exhaled some acrid smoke.  Soto had just returned from throwing out some base-stealers in twelve parsecs and was in need of some work.  The droids explained their predicament, and Soto agreed to take them to his ship.

As they flew through space towards Wrigley Field, the travelers encountered some strange gravitational disturbances.  They were surprised to find an uncharted moon near their area.  Upon closer inspection, BB-Marmol said, “That’s no moon…”

That’s no moon…

It was the fabled Death Baseball, a grotesquely large space station capable of generating enough destructive energy to annihilate entire contracts and major transactions. Darth Dempster had made his way back to the Death Baseball and watched as Han Soto, who knew some maneuvers, kept listing lazily to the left out of the reach of the various TEN-FIVE Fighters’ laser beams.  The Death Baseball was able to destroy the planet Leverage, crippling the Jedi Cubs’ and the rebellion’s chances of restoring balance to the Cubs Force as they lost Randall Delgado in the explosion.

Han Soto and the droids escaped to meet with Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer to discuss their new strategies.  Will the Jedi Cubs triumph over the Baseball Sith?  Will Darth Dempster realize the good that still exists within him and abandon the Dark Side?  Will Rice Cube think about creating a sequel to make up for this pathetic effort?  We shall see…

About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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