Farewell, Houston Astros

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Oh, you poor hapless Houston Astros.  Unfortunately for the Cubs, after the season-closing series against their long-time rivals at Wrigley, the Astros will move to the American League.  Instead of playing them 19 times next season as with all other division opponents, the Cubs will only host the Astros for a three-game set at Wrigley at that’s it.  Also unfortunately, the Astros are that much better at sucking and will probably suck even more against the behemoths in the AL West next season.  Seriously, check out the standings.  Even the Mariners aren’t sucking as much as they should.  The Astros are probably going to secure the #1 pick for a couple more years.  Kind of sad for the Cubs’ rebuilding efforts.  And even sadder still, unless the Pirates remember that they’re the Pirates, the Cubs won’t have another team worse than they are in the NL Central.  Yuk.

Right now the Cubs have several challengers for the #2 draft pick that they hold with a slim lead over the closest competitor, the Colorado Rockies.  The Cleveland Indians and Minnesota Twins aren’t far behind.  It’s interesting to note that despite the broken Ian Stewart and the suddenly-resurgent-in-Coors-Field Tyler Colvin, former Cubs legend, the Rockies are still just barely better than the Cubs.  Funny how baseball works.  But this blog is about the Astros and how much they suck.  The level of suck is almost admirable because it will help them clear the decks and rebuild with hopefully better and elite talent through the draft.

It’s not even that I hate the Astros.  They were a good team for a long time, they had fun players to watch like Roy Oswalt, Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio and Lance Berkman while all were in their primes.  And then it all just went to hell, kind of like what happened with the Cubs.  They even have a fairly nice ballpark if you don’t mind the slightly annoying Crawford boxes (cheap homers even with that high fence, in my opinion), the stupid hill and the flagpole in fair territory.  Seriously, it’s a wonder no outfielder has gotten killed in accidentally running into that thing yet.  As it is, the last series against the Astros in Houston will be the last time the Cubs visit Minute Maid Park for a while.  Going to miss the park where Geovany Soto got the inside-the-park homer that was actually a real honest-to-goodness homer, and where Ryan Theriot got a couple of cheap Crawford box homers.

So there’s nothing left to say except…good luck in the AL, Houston Astros.  We’re doing this before the final series as NL foes, but here’s a parody for ya.  By the way, have you ever noticed how much Gotye looks like Bronson Arroyo?  It’s really weird.

Another Crappy Team We Used to Own

to the tune of

“Somebody I Used To Know” by Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were in the cellar
How we would look up at Cincy and St. Louis
Had such offensive futility
We were mired in mediocrity
But it’s a way of life and there’s always next year

Your team got to play in a new ballpark full of madness
With bells and whistles end to end
Like that stupid hill that didn’t make sense
The flag pole we couldn’t comprehend
But I’ll admit the retractable roof was clever



But the divisions were slightly off
We got four teams versus six teams
And that was imbalanced
The commish gave a deep discount
Sold the matchup with the Rangers
They were playing tough
You didn’t actually have to go
They could’ve moved the D’Backs
Or even Milwaukee
But neither of them cared to go
Now you’re just another team we used to own

Now and then I think of all the times we made the playoffs
Well not really because it wasn’t actually all that often
Remember when Z no-hit you
We’ve been rivals ever since ’62
In the NL from the get-go
But the commish snapped his fingers now you’re just a team we used to own


CHORUS and fade…


About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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