The biggest news this week was not Cubs-related. The Miami Marlins, one year after splurging on marquee free agents and opening up their new stadium, underwent a major fire sale with the Toronto Blue Jays. The trade is expected to be completed by Monday, but in the meantime, nobody wanted to talk to Jeffrey Loria (who is the Devil), the National League Central and West divisions are pissed because the Marlins are now cupcakes in the East for Philly, Atlanta and Washington to beat up on (and maybe the Mets if they ever get out from under their idiot owner’s mess), the American League East is mad because the Blue Jays just got really really good on paper, and Giancarlo Stanton is really really pissed off as well. He said that on Twitter, but to the media he was a bit more tame, saying “I do not like this at all.”
The way he said it reminded me of Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” where the dude being pestered by Sam I Am kept saying he did not like green eggs and ham. I know everyone loves Dr. Seuss, and I did a previous Seuss riff a while back. So how about we look at demonic owner Jeffrey Loria in the role of Sam I Am, and Giancarlo Stanton as the guy who doesn’t like this at all? I think that would be fun. Let’s do it.
Greenbacks and Shams
Based on Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham”
Giancarlo Stanton (GS): Greenbacks and shams! Greenbacks and shams! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
Jeffrey Loria (JL): You don’t like greenbacks and shams?
GS: Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: I will trade them here or there!
GS: It is like you do not care. You’re cheating the fans everywhere. Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: But I built this nice new house! Why do you just whine and grouse?
GS: Nothing but lies are in this house! Of course I am going to grouse! It is like you do not care. You’re cheating the fans everywhere. Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: Our path to the playoffs was blocked! Our fire sale plan should not be knocked!
GS: May have been blocked, but must be knocked! Shams in this house, and I must grouse! Trading my teammates here and there, Buehrle’s pit can’t go anywhere! Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: Anibal, Jose, I did not need. Nice prospects came back, indeed!
GS: Prospects are not what we need.
JL: You will like them, you will see. When we’re in rebuild plan year three!
GS: I do not want to rebuild with ye! How dare you flat out lie to me! I did not like Sanchez to Detroit. The fans and taxpayers you exploit! Nothing but lies are in this house. Don’t be surprised when they all grouse. Now no more players here or there will play for you ’cause you don’t care. Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: A drain! A drain! A drain! A drain! The inflated payroll was a drain!
GS: You use your brain! Success isn’t free! Not just profit and screw Miami! I know our playoff path was blocked but quitting after one year is schlock! Nothing but lies are in this house. Ricky Nolasco knows you’re a louse! No more free agents from here or there. No one will trust you anywhere. Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: They’re in the dark! Won’t come to the park! Now don’t you see why I had to trade Mark?
GS: You should not, you snot, have traded Mark.
JL: Hanley Ramirez was a pain!
GS: So what if he was a pain? Not enough time to make our gains. You got your park almost for free. Yet now you sell off with no penalty. You’re such a louse. Lying through your socks. A pox on this house. Go suck some rocks. Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: You do not like greenbacks and shams?
GS: I do not like greenbacks and shams.
JL: You couldn’t win, you are the goat!
GS: Not my fault Heath Bell had less saves than bloat.
JL: I spent the money, you sunk the boat!
GS: You barely invested in said boat. Your backloaded charade, elaborate hoax! You couldn’t fool anyone with half a brain. On society you are a drain. Why’d Bud let you own in MLB when you drove the Expos to bankruptcy? You’re worse than the owner from Major League. You should be flogged in Miami. Nothing but lies are in this house. You are nothing but a louse! I want a new owner who cares! I hope you get eaten by bears! Your business practices be damned! I do not like greenbacks and shams!
JL: You may not like it, so you say. Too bad you’re still pre-arb, eh? I got your soul until your big payday!
Say! Screw your greenbacks and shams! Screw them! Screw them, you evil man! I know you’ll sell off Nolasco, and sooner or later you will go. Then a new owner with a brain will build up the Marlins once again. You won’t go far. You will soon see. Bud Selig will force you out of MLB. So I will wait out these tough times. You’ll soon pay for all your crimes. No more lies in this here house. You’ll be blackballed, you stupid louse. Then free agents will come from here and there. The fans will flock from everywhere!
Enjoy your greenbacks and shams! Now back to work, hitting grand slams.
(Well, it might be wishful thinking about fans flocking…I mean, it’s Florida.)