Taft, our country’s 27th President, was always the opportunist, rising to the highest post in the land by always having his “plate the right side up when offices were falling,” as he once jokingly put it. He was also the first U.S. President to throw out a ceremonial first pitch, which he did on Opening Day, 1910, right here in The District. Legend also has it that Taft “invented” the seventh-inning stretch, when he stood up to stretch at a game and the crowd around him followed suit.
The dude is hefty (I recall from history trivia that the White House had to install a special bathtub to hold his fat ass) but as the only American to ever hold the top executive (President, obviously) and judicial (Chief Justice!) positions in our nation’s government, he’s pretty badass and could definitely win a race or two. Poor Teddy will probably be relegated to designated underdog again. Which gets me to thinking…what can the Cubs do to similarly take advantage of goofball mascots in a race around the warning track?
Top Ten List
Ideas for Wrigley Racing Mascots
10. Ronnie Woo-Woo
Hey, the guy is already a fixture at Wrigley, might as well see what else he can do besides being a general goofball in the seats.
9. A blue Cubs hat wearing headphones
Obviously you would never want this guy to win.
8. Moises Alou with matching pee hands
7. Black cat
This one should not win at all.
6. A goat
Who ya gonna call?
5. An ivy-covered brick wall
A perfect foil for the other racers, as they realize too late that the cushy surface barely hides the fact that they’re crashing into an immovable object of sufficient hardness to break bones.
4. Dusty the Baker
He may not always win, but he always manages to injure the winner.
3. A rooftop
It’s the only way those fuckers are gonna be able to get any advertising in Wrigley Field after the Ricketts are done with them.
2. Bill Murray
Don’t question it, just go with it.
1. Tony Campana
He needs the exercise since he can barely get on base anyway.