It always starts with innocent curiosity. I mean, I didn’t want to discover #baseballporn per se, but when I figured out what it was I didn’t exactly reject it either. I suppose my journey into the Baseball Pr0n world is fairly typical. I was awake at 2 am, I saw a link. I clicked a link. And then another. And another. And one more.
baseball porn mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp…
— Bill Baer (@CrashburnAlley) February 7, 2013
Soon I was lost in a sea of links and hot steamy baseball action, spent in on regard, but wanting to see more and more at the same time.
I was addicted, hooked. And I still am today.
Baseball has a tendency to draw in the weird. In my personal experience the baseball fanbase is perhaps the most wide open, divergent and interesting segment of the internet. I stumbled into #baseballtwitter, which was a gateway into another world I did not know existed.
My mind wasn’t ready for it, and as I fell deeper and deeper into this world, I discovered an oddity. I came to a realization as I was watching @CrashburnAlley post some steamy links at 2 am.
#BaseballPorn exists. And it totally has subsets.
My initial exposure had me thinking that I was new to #baseballporn but I quickly realized that I’ve always been lusting after it. I simply did not know it.
Enough beating around the bush, lets get to the known examples of baseball porn.
Highlight Play Porn
This is the most basic, yet the most satisfying of all the #baseballporn. We’ve all seen it, and we’ve all intellectually masturbated to it. Highlight play porn is so universal that it really isn’t all that taboo.
You can’t deny its appeal. Highlight play porn is the surface level. It covers all the bases. From Elvis Andrus ranging to his right on a groundball and throwing a dude out at 1B to this:
I mean, anyone can appreciate the pure aesthetic of those plays. The Campana play is a more niche than the Andrus play, but both fall under the “Sportscenter worthy” category. You kinda just know it when you see it.
Highlights are shown all the time. You can see them in the wild as well, they are instant gratification and totally eye candy.
I dig that.
Stat porn is more hardcore than the Highlight porn. Stats are more important to baseball than they are to any other sport. Does anyone care what the rushing record is? Fuck no. You bet your ass people still know what 755 and 762 mean (and will in all likelihood launch into a stupid argument over both meanings). The stat book has been stripped of some meaning, but if you show the right people Greg Maddux‘s BBRef page you will get a visceral reaction.
I’m sporting a semi just thinking about those numbers.
That is the essence of stat porn. Some people get really hardcore about it and point Craig Biggio‘s 1997 stat line and how amazing it was that in 744 PA’s he didn’t ground into a DP once.
I mean, that’s kinda hot.
Here are some more examples of Stat Porn:
- Hank Aaron (All of it)
- Babe Ruth
- Mickey Mantle (1956 is fap worthy)
- Bob Gibson
- Steve Carlton (1972)
- Pedro Martinez (1997-2000)
There’s more, but those are the ones that always get my engine started.
Hardcore Pitching Porn
Not quite “Highlight Play Porn,” not quite “Scouting Porn,” well wait, here’s a picture to help me demonstrate:
Need I say more?
This also contains a lot of “Mechanics Porn.” There are certain things that are aesthetically pleasing. The way a woman’s hips curve, Tom Selleck, red lipstick on pale skin, a woman wearing Louboutin’s with red bottoms, Paul Konerko‘s goatee (RIP).
All of that gets trumped by Felix Hernandez‘s arm action:
Or Mike Morse‘s bat speed:
And of course, The Kid:
That doesn’t even fully encompass all of Scouting porn, there’s a lot of eye candy. Scouts love good bodies. I love good baseball bodies. I mean, as an example have this Nelson Cruz baby oil pic. Of course, there is one standard body upon which all others will be judged by:
We covered the major baseball porn types, we’re totally in the foot fetish section now. #baseballtwitter led me to the Productive Outs crew, who are masters at finding the unseen funny of baseball. I see the game in a completely different way thanks to Ian and Riley.
Here are a few of the fetishes I’ve noticed because of them:
Productive Outs Introduces#DadHat #DadLap and #Derp
Can also be #KarstensFace. When I first encountered Jeff Karstens I thought he looked a little funny but I didn’t think anything of it. Productive Outs took it to a different level (there’s a Tumblr named Karstens Face. It doesn’t get more amazeballs than that).
And now I see it everywhere. I go looking for it.
#DadHat is a phenomena that everyone has seen and knows about, but until recently did not have a proper name.
And now you know exactly what I’m talking about.
#DadLap was undiscovered country for me. I quickly discovered that once you see it you cannot unsee it.
Those are the major fetishes. Others are being developed, like #DadGlasses, but they are still in their infancy.
Whatever Floats Your Boat, Baby
I’m into all of the baseball pr0n. Some people will only really love one set of it. I think we all begin with Highlight porn, and then we deviate from there. I’m really into #ScoutingPorn but I will always go to #StatPorn in the winter when there is very little baseball.
I mean, the binding tie we all share no matter what your fetish is baseball. I’m sure there are a lot of baseball porns I’m not even considering. I didn’t even get into regular old “Hot Baseball Player” because I think that’s a topic best saved for another day.
I guess you can consider this list a living document of sorts. I’m sure there’s something I haven’t found yet.