What’s on the Mound?

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Ever wanted to know whether you could do the famous Abbott and Costello “Who’s On First?” skit with Cubs players?

Well, here’s an attempt…you can follow along by going here, here, here, here, and here.  And use B-Ref too.

Give First Base a Chance!

Our story begins at Wrigley Field with Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer giving an interview to the Chicago Cubs beat writer corps…who are sometimes easily confused.  Use your imagination and suspend your knowledge of the space-time continuum for a few minutes.

Theo: “Welcome to Wrigley, and our presentation of our roster for the coming season of Cubs baseball.”

Jed: “Yes, we have an exciting lineup and pitching staff for you, as well as some up-and-coming prospects that we are just thrilled about.”

Bruce Miles, Daily Herald: “So how about your starting nine first?”

Jed: “Sure, we have Watt‘s on the mound, a Byrd in center field and a Chance at first…”

Paul Sullivan, Chicago Tribune: “Wait, don’t you know the names of your players?  Why do you have a seagull playing center?”

Theo: “No, that’s Byrd in center.”

Sully: “That’s what I said, you have a seagull playing center!”

Theo: “No, Byrd’s in center.”

Miles: “That’s what he said.  And what’s on the mound again?”

Jed: “Yes, Watt’s on the mound.”

Jon Greenberg, ESPN: “That’s what we’re trying to find out, what’s on the mound?”

Jed: “Yes.”

Jesse Rogers, ESPN Chicago: “And you’re just giving first base a chance?”

Theo: “Correct.”

Phil Rogers, Chicago Tribune: “I’m so confused.”

Jed: “What else is new, Phil?  Totally kidding.”

Miles: “Okay, let me get this straight, you don’t know what’s on the mound, you have birds in center and a chance at first?”

Jed: “No, we know Watt’s on the mound, just one Byrd in center, and you are correct that Chance is at first.”

Sully (looks out onto the field): “Looks like a flock of seagulls out in center to me.”

Miles: “Aren’t you the general manager?”

Jed: “Yes.”

Greenberg: “And you know these players, right?”

Jed: “Yes, but Wright is in Iowa.  We’ll take the Stairs instead.”

Jesse Rogers: “Why are we taking the stairs?”

Jed: “Well, Stairs is pretty good.”

Jesse and Phil Rogers: *blank stares*

Sully: “So what else do you have in, say, Tennessee?”

Theo: “Ha.”

Sully: “What, you think this is funny?”

Theo: “Why would Watt think it’s funny?  Watt’s on the mound.”

Miles: “That’s what we’ve been trying to find out!”

Jed: “Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.  Please exit in an orderly fashion, and watch the Shoulders when you exit.”

Phil Rogers: “I’m not that tall.”

Jed (pointing to Rock Shoulders): “No, but the guy standing right behind you is and he won’t be too happy if you run into him.”


About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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