In the Wake of Dale Sveum’s Dismissal, Cubs Name Zombie Earl Weaver New Manager

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Just now, the Chicago Cubs announced that they had dismissed Dale Sveum as manager after two very disappointing seasons on the North Side.  Despite being well-liked and not really all that terrible, Sveum was unable to help youngsters like Starlin Castro and Anthony Rizzo take the next step, and therefore was let go.  The rumors suggested that the Cubs may try to get soon-to-be-free agent Joe Girardi or Brad Ausmus as manager, but the Cubs revealed an incredible cost-saving plan.

With Cubs President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein’s philosophy of on-base percentage and hitting for power taking shape throughout the minors, it was time to bring that mantra to the majors.  Epstein announced in a hastily-assembled press conference amidst thunder, lightning, and ominous music, that he had used black magic and Murphy’s Bleachers owner Beth Murphy’s botox to reanimate former Baltimore manager, the Hall of Famer, Earl Weaver.

“This was a no-brainer, pardon the pun,” said Epstein to reporters as Weaver’s repaired corpse sat next to him, blinking and drooling at the sight of so many brains in the press room.  “Earl Weaver was a revolutionary, a proponent of the three-run homer and someone who shunned the bunt and needlessly giving away outs.  He will be a fine example for our developing core, and he will provide additional motivation by promising not to eat the brains of the players who perform as they should.”

With 1480 wins under his belt in his career as Orioles manager, Weaver has an outside shot of getting to 1500 wins before he will need to rip a spleen out of an intern to replace the current decaying organ within his own body.  When prodded for questions about his plans for the 2014 Cubs, Weaver expressed dismay that there weren’t actually as many brains in the press room as he originally thought, and lamented that because Epstein had shown professional courtesy to reanimate and hire him on, he couldn’t eat that big, juicy, Yale-educated brain.

Weaver’s contract terms were not discussed, but his hiring coincided with a surprising number of transactions in the Cubs system that involved designations for assignment, with the released players unaccounted for on the waiver wire or otherwise.

About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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