The Cubs Just Signed Some Guy

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We all know that it’s very likely that humanity is causing global climate change due to our energy usage, pollution, and other artificially created factors that are invading into the environment.  So this recent spate of super cold weather is both welcome and annoying, depending on whether you’re an advocate for “global warming” or not.  That’s why I call it “climate change” and not “warming” because I believe that the human-caused effects are unpredictable as yet, so I can be technically correct without seeming like a cop out.

Anyway, it’s very close to Christmas, and while we wait to see whether Masahiro Tanaka gets posted (if he even meets with Rakuten before the holidays are over!), we’ll all spend time with family and friends, share in the warm glow of companionship and goodwill, eat lots of ham, and open our presents.  And if you’re like me and used to work in retail during the holidays, you’re going to hear a suicide-inducing amount of Christmas tunes.  If you’re not Christian, no worries, you’re getting the days off anyway so enjoy that.

These are related because it’s fucking cold outside and this particular Christmas song has been stuck in my head forever.  The song is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” from the movie “Neptune’s Daughter” starring Ricardo Montalban, whom you may remember as the guy who played Khan in Star Trek.  The song won the Academy Award for Best Original Song in 1949 and has been sung about 2407249274 times since then in various incarnations, and may be better known recently as a brief but memorable scene in “Elf” where Buddy sings with Jovie while she’s in the shower.  Anyway…consider the following parody our Christmas gift to you, and if you want something else, you can always visit our store.  Merry Christmas, everyone.

The Cubs Just Signed Some Guy

To the tune of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Who is it today? (The Cubs just signed some guy)
Was he just DFA’d? (The Cubs just signed some guy)
Our pitching is thin (Here’s hoping he’s fit right in)
So let’s invite (No big deal, just a spring invite)

I’ve never heard of this player (Man, do we have a prayer?)
You say he came from Baltimore? (What’s his similarity score?)
Does he start or will he platoon? (Hope Ricketts finds money soon)
Maybe bullpen needs a righty (Or perhaps another LOOGY)

The rooftops might stink (Get them out of our hair)
Free agent market is thin (Twenty-two mil for Scott Kazmir?!)
They’re gonna sign more (Will they provide lots of WAR?)
To get more depth (Check the waiver wire as well)

The Cubs are buying low, low, low (Couldn’t afford Cano)
Couldn’t even say that they tried (They’re gonna have to improvise)
But day after day (Under the radar)
The Cubs just signed some guy

Did he have Tommy John? (Maybe he’ll bounce back next year)
Was he ever “on”? (He’s cheap, so what do we care?)
It’s less than ten grand (Still some potential there)
Signed to minor league (If he’s good he’ll make MLB)

Here’s hoping our prospects grow (Rakuten let Tanaka go)
Keep Darwin Barney on the bench (Theo and Jed be a good mensch)
Get those bounceback bats (And some more relievers!)
The Cubs just signed some guy
Oh yeah the Cubs just signed some guy
Oh yeah the Cubs just signed some guy

About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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