Indiana Theo and the Raiders of the Lost Cake: A Cubs Story in Pictures

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Remember a few years back when Indiana Theo stole the World Series trophy to try to get it back to Wrigley Field?  Well, if you don’t, you can read about it here.

Yeah, that's Ryan Dempster.
Yeah, that’s Ryan Dempster.

Fast-forward to the present day, and here we are with the rebuild in midstream and more politics and shenanigans afoot as the Cubs try to renovate/expand Wrigley Field and generate revenue while continuing to build their perennial contender.  Indiana Theo was unable to keep the World Series trophy he got from Boston, but he’s working on his own championship in Chicago (it’s obviously taking a while).

Now with the Cubs being so terrible for the time being–and who really knows when it will end–anything out of the ordinary, like a goofy-looking mascot, is going to receive notice because the “major league” team isn’t really all that interesting right now.  Exhibit one this week was during the Wrigley Field 100th anniversary celebration on Wednesday, when a gigantic (and frankly, really awesome) cake was commissioned and put on display for all Cubs fans to see at the ball park.  Check it out:

CAKE!
CAKE!

The thing is, while a cake like that is spectacular (obviously) and worthy of preservation, it’s unfortunately not completely edible, given a lot of that fondant stuff (have you ever tried to eat even an entire slice of fondant?  It’s not easy) and whatever else they used to prop up the little flags and light fixtures.  Not to mention that the thing stood outside in the sun while being heated up inside its miniature greenhouse to spoil whatever edible portions were in there, as well as activating whatever microbes were sitting inside the ingredients.  The cake was eventually moved to the Field Museum for a charity event, but unfortunately was thrown into the dumpster afterwards because…well, it wasn’t edible, and really, what was a natural history museum going to do with a giant inedible cake in the shape of a ballpark?  The Cubs weren’t too happy about it, but they should have done something about it if they didn’t want the cake to be tossed.  I believe there are laminates or glues that can be used to preserve food items, sort of like what they do at some Asian restaurants to show you what the food you are ordering will look like.  But really, what the Cubs should have done was send Indiana Theo in to retrieve the cake before it fell into the wrong hands…

Indy to the rescue!
Indy to the rescue!

Our story begins with Tom Ricketts, curator of the Wrigley Cake Museum, asking Indy to locate the mystical Wrigley Field Cake from the 100th Dynasty.  The cake was commissioned for a special occasion but had been stolen by the nefarious Reddit bandits before it could be enjoyed by museum patrons.  Indy used his powers of archaeology to pinpoint a secret map room that would lead him to the cake.  He used his Saber-Metric to shine sunlight blasting in from left field in a focused beam onto the secret map room that was situated behind the visitor bullpen at Wrigley Field. It appeared that the cake would be found in the Field Museum!

Science at work!
Science at work!

Unfortunately, the Field Museum was extremely popular and was also hosting a charity event that night.  Indy would have to be very sneaky when infiltrating the museum and retrieving the cake.  He didn’t have a lot of time and thus had to risk going in during the day, when the museum was packed with visitors (and also because I couldn’t find a better picture on Google, ok?).  It was amazing that nobody saw Indy spelunking down a support column as he descended into the cake dumpster.

"Can't see me..."
“Can’t see me…”

Indiana Theo leapt down into the dumpster and had to disarm several Reddit snakes before they could expose the location of the cake on the internet.

"I hate snakes!  Especially when they post stuff on Reddit that makes the Cubs look bad!"
“I hate snakes! Especially when they post stuff on Reddit that makes the Cubs look bad!”

After disposing of the last of the snakes with some well-placed flames, Indy located a fellow dumpster diver and offered him free Cubs tickets to a game on the next homestand as well as a coupon for a bison dog and a beer.  They quickly found some old poster tubes and rigged the cake up to be carried out of the dumpster.

Very elaborate cake-carrying device, wouldn't you say?
Very elaborate cake-carrying device, wouldn’t you say?

Next, Indiana Theo had to go out and chase down all other mentions of the cake in the dumpster so the Cubs wouldn’t look AS bad via social media.  Then again, given their current record, it probably didn’t matter, but hey, Indy had to try!

Gotta keep it off the Instagram!
Gotta keep it off the Instagram!

Unfortunately the Reddit bandits did get their hands on the evidence and commandeered the cake after all.  They were all in awe at the cake’s intricate details and splendor, and couldn’t help but be tempted to eat it.  And since the cake had been sitting out in the sun for hours, well…the results weren’t pretty…

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH I ATE BAD CAKE
GAAAAAAAAAAAAH I ATE BAD CAKE
TOP.  MEN.
TOP. MEN.

After the Reddit bandits were vanquished by their own forbidden love of cake, Indiana Theo transported the cake to the friendly confines of Wrigley Field, where no one would ever get a taste and suffer the same fate as those who had the misfortune of partaking in cake. The cake was wheeled down the concourse, to be studied by “top men.”

THE END?

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About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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