If the Cubs went full SkyMall…

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It’s an ungodly hour and before I crash and burn I needed to get this out of my system.

igrowskymallOn Friday, it was announced that SkyMall, the company that runs the in-flight magazine/catalog full of ridiculous overpriced useless items that one might actually consider buying on a whim, filed for bankruptcy.  I was teaching when the news came down, and when I finally had time to check the interwebs, I was confused as to why there were so many tributes to SkyMall.  There were multiple allusions to the quirky products that SkyMall peddled.  I did a quick Google and found this Rogaine laser-Beats-by-Dre thing this guy is wearing.  I didn’t bother reading the description, but I’m sure I would have gotten a good laugh out of it.  It is a bit sad that the magazine is going bankrupt and may not have a place in airplanes anymore; I read a SkyMall as recently as this past summer, when I went on my jaunt across the East Coast to visit Cooperstown and Boston.  Just like several years before, the catalog still had the world’s biggest crossword puzzle.  Very good read while taking the quick puddle-jump from Chicago.

As with any brand, including the Chicago Cubs, one can imagine a situation where said brand can go full SkyMall.  That is, they start diversifying into such weird, useless crap that you just have to chuckle.  Meanwhile, in the back of your mind, you are thinking, “Man, if I were rich, this is what I would torch a $100 bill for.”  Let’s take a look at some of the goofy shit that the Cubs Clubhouse sells.  I’m kind of disappointed that they don’t have the La-Z-Boy with the cupholders or the Cubs themed pool table they have on display in Woodfield Mall, though.

Item: Chicago Cubs Forever Collectibles “MLB Thematic Piggy Bank-Small”

PiggyBankThis thing is actually kind of cute, and at $12.99 it isn’t too bad of a price.  Maybe they could have done without the ivy, though.  It looks like the pig has both Athlete’s Foot and boogers and ear wax made of something gangrenous.



CrocsItem: Crocs…seriously

$49.99 for the ugliest shoes ever designed by someone who shouldn’t be rich, but is anyway.  I honestly don’t know why anyone would buy this, but then I walk outside during the summer and see at least a dozen people wearing Crocs and I realize that a market exists for everything.  It’s like the merchandising corollary to Rule 34.

Item: Zombie Gnome Thing

zombieI do not know what they’re trying to do with this thing.  Here’s the description:

This resin figure features a brain-hungry zombie decked out as a Chicago Cubs Zombie Figure.

Yes, thank you Captain Obvious.  I guess the artist was trying to make a point about how we’ll all be dead before the Cubs do anything worthwhile, and given what happened recently I feel really sad now, but I don’t see how a zombie eating the marquee is relevant to the Cubs.  Then again, the only review suggested that the recipient loved the item, so what do I know.

keyboardItem: Cubs Keyboard

WOW.  This thing looks like a Smurf went on a bender and horked all over a keyboard while trying to Gchat Gargamel.  You can barely make out the keys.  It does cost $69.99 so that’s #nice.

Item: Golf club cover

I guess if you’re Vladimir Guerrero you can combine golf with baseball, but otherwise I can’t think of any reason why one would associate baseball with golf.  If you’re that big of a Cubs fan, though, more power to you, and this cover is pretty well designed.  Probably worth the $24.99 (probably also marked up considerably just because it says “CUBS” on it).

stoolItem: Barstool

At $129.99, I’m just saying that this thing better have jet boosters, stop bullets, and double as some sort of weapon.  And being white and chrome, it needs to be coated with steroid-fueled Teflon to prevent stains and rust, too.

Item: Cubs Home and Away Charger

I don’t have a major problem with this item, as it seems to be reasonably priced, but I don’t like that the “away” charger isn’t even in road gray.  The glean on it looks like it wants to be the alternate blue, but it’s more of a Tennessee Titans blue than the Cubs blue.  Boo.

BannerItem: Dynasty Banner

Of all the items in Cubs SkyMall so far, this one pissed me off the most.  Two championships in a row does not a dynasty make (we’ll concede that those Cubs did win four pennants in five years, including said championships).  After Theo’s Cubs rattle off a few pennants in the next decade or so, THEN sell me a Dynasty Banner!

Item: Resin Logo in Glove

LogoGloveI think I would like this better if the logo was printed on a baseball.  There should be a baseball nestled in the glove.  That would make me happier, this is just tacky.



matItem: Floormat

Oh come on.  We Cubs fans have been enduring jokes about cellars, doormats, etc. for the past century or so.  At $39.99, whoever buys this and still calls themselves a Cubs fan deserves to be ridiculed.  I’d go so far as to say that the market for this product is anti-Cub fans, because they love stepping all over us.  Fuck you, Cubs SkyMall!


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About Rice Cube

Rice Cube is the executive vice president of snark at World Series Dreaming. He loves all things Cubs, with notable exceptions (specifically, the part of Cubs fandom that pisses him off). Follow on Twitter at cubicsnarkonia

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