Thursday was National Meatball Day and we at Breitbart Sports are here to point out what the professional meatballs at ESPN — whose ratings are plummeting after supporting noted leftist and Black Panther 49ers quarterback Colin Cowherd’s flag insulting protest — are hiding today. The Chicago Cubs will feature aptly named closer Pedro Stop this year. At first glance Stop appears like every Pedro you’ve ever seen. But Stop was notable for being the worst pitcher in the world last year with an ERA just below the Mendoza line and for being a guy who couldn’t get batters out despite throwing a plus plus bullet and screen pass. Maybe that’s why the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since Lenin freed the Soviet press. But it isn’t Stop’s inability to hit an open receiver or penalty kick that bothers us, it’s something much more devious. Take a look at Stop’s Cubs uniform below:
Notice something? The Cubs logo and brim of his hat are tilted to the LEFT. Unlike actual minorities like Reds legend and Hall of Famer Ken Griffey Jr. who wore his hat the right way and respected the uniform and the flag — Griffey served in both world wars — Pedro Stop purposefully slants his to the left. Breitbart Sports didn’t let the gesture go unnoticed and launched an investigation.
Pedro Stop was born in the Caribbean on a pirate ship where he trained in swashbuckling before he ever learned to swing a bat from the mound — in fact Stop was played by Marlon Brando in the 1962 film Mutiny on the Bounty. That pirate ship wrecked off the coast of modern day Oregon where the ship and its crew took up residence in the town of Astoria. Oregon’s liberalism served as a lighthouse for the ideologically lost and impressionable Stop; there he became a vaccine warming conspiracist and advocate for conflict free prunes. It was while serving on the Astoria high council where he gained a thirst for power; he ordered that an area of town — with a large economic anxiety ridden white working class population — called colloquially the “Goondocks” be bulldozed for a strip mall of gender neutral bathrooms. The residents revolted and sent Stop back to the sea from whence he came after dislodging his pirate ship.
Exiled back to the Caribbean Stop won a few epic sword fights and gained a reputation for being handy with the steel if you know what I mean. But that reputation was no match for his vicious privileged liberal sensibilities which were becoming regionally influential and word spread fast — all the way to Fidel Castro’s ears.
Castro was a professional baseball player before he became a revolutionary commie whose ruthless dictatorial terror would ordinarily prompt praise from this publication. Today, for this story though, he’s an asshole you should definitely hate — RIP. Stop learned everything about baseball in Cuba. As a means to keep Cubans ball players from defecting from the island Castro ordered the “you can’t walk off the island” decree and Stop followed his marching orders by never throwing a strike.
In fact, the only strikes Stop would be arranging were ones by labor unions; he became the island’s premiere community organizer. With legions of organized laborers out of jobs and no one to protest, Castro and Stop had amassed an army of men who would otherwise be at home during the daytime watching Ellen. That kind of military might caused alarm bells in Washington DC. The Ted Kennedy administration marked Castro as public enemy numero uno as the border crossers like to say — which roughly translates to “guy who might be bad but maybe not” in English. The inept US government hadn’t listened to the intelligence community briefings and was unaware of Castro’s secret fireballing weapon — the fully converted leftist and now leftward wearing hat man Pedro Stop.
Stop killed Kennedy as pictured below.
Stop organized the 1994 baseball strike.
Stop catsupped Curt Schilling’s ankle.
Stop tea potted the dome scandal
Stop did Benghazi
Was Stop ever punished for his role as an anti-American terrorist? No, in fact the Obama administration arranged his tryout for the Chicago Cubs — the team the former president cheers for — in the liberal bastion of Chicago. Now, like most Leftists, Pedro Stop is living the ultimate liberal dream; in the Cubs bullpen he works about 10–20 minutes a week and gets compensated from dollars redistributed from billionaire owners. Is Stop still serving as a political assassin? Most definitely, and now he has the protection of cannibal teammate John Lackey:
All of this explains why Stop still has a job. Stop’s 2.85 ERA (ERA stands for Cold War ERA) was abysmal. His 2.91 FIP (Fidel In Power) was an abomination and his 2.77 xFIP (Fidel In Power + X-Men) wasn’t much better. In fact the only category in which this dangerous foreign threat led was in WAR! If the Chicago Cubs were true Patriots they’d send Stop to Des Moines to get a lesson from real Americans in Iowa.
While all of this is public knowledge and definitely happened, every “Goonie” in Oregon suffers from bathroom uncertainty while the murderous Pedro Stop taunts them by deliberately wearing his cap to the left. Keep following Breitbart Sports for updates as Stop’s house of cards will inevitably collapse — this is what ESPN won’t tell you.
Jesse Jensen, Breitbart very good sports writer-in-chief. @jjrayn